raven’s reach unto dawn

its been quite some time since ive been under this level of stress and problems, but on the bright side, it’s giving me information and data that’s helping me to understand what the fuck is wrong, why, where, and all that.

currently, i’m worried about my job status and if ill be able to make it. each and every fucking day gets worse i swear. clients dont care whether or not what they do is legal and all we’re here to do is make a quick buck off them. when they throw fits, we make sure they’re happy like little fucking toddlers. when they want to do something stupid against our policy, we dance around it and let it happen. weve been pushing a lot of updates recently that cause more and more issues and we never hear back properly or it introduces more issues or a variety of other things. we can make an update that fixes one small thing and it will end up breaking 5 other items.

combine this with a team that i swear is more lazy and incompetent by the second. “Protogen, I need you to do this.” they say. In the time it took for them to type that up, with how simple the task is, they could of done it themselves. “Protogen, switch these objects out in the customers account”. Why? Its our job to make sure the customer knows how to do it, not do it for them. “Protogen, I dont know how to do this. Do it for me”. No, this is the 5th time this week youve told me you dont know how to do that. Learn motherfucker. “Protogen, can you do this meeting for me?” No, I am not going to do the entire process for you just so you can take the fucking commission. And then I hear bullshit from my team members about how my team isn’t performing the actions they are requested to do or that they are not hearing back in a timely manner. But yet when I investigate what’s happening, it’s customers who have no clue how to even operate a computer, who just sent the email and are asking why they didnt hear back yet, or a variety of similar things. I don’t know how we do it, but we attract the worst possible fucking customers. and then i get remarks like “Yeah we need to help them sign up even if they dont know how to use a computer.” Absolutely not. This isn’t Grandma’s local computer shop.

this alone has been driving majority of my fucking issues and apparently according to my watch (which isnt super accurate all the time) my stress has been very high all day. now, because of a failure i have become as a partner…im causing more problems. things keep coming up in my mind, the shit with deerboi, the shit with Kaizen, asking myself if i was the problem in the end. after all, it makes sense right? ive failed like 2 or 3 relationships? been through how many different people? and yet i think i deserve a partner in general? i worry im just going to hurt someone again. that they will end up hating me (and rightfully so) eventually. between this apparent memory loss and everything else, i dont know how i can stay sane and stable.

right now i can’t worry about that, as selfish and insane as that sounds. i need to focus on getting an out with this company or i wont have money tomorrow. no money to pay the bills, no money to pay for food on the table, no money to keep this server alive…or the connection to it, all that.

i do wonder how profitable it would be to be your modern day blade runner. no job, just yanking servers and grabbing creds, from anyone that can’t legally touch you. work on your own time, probably get paid more then most jobs you’ll find, and do something that i feel like most kids these days grew up wanting to do – becoming an Aiden Pearce of sorts lmao.

regardless, i can’t really do that. my hacking skills aren’t great, most of my training comes from i guess a blue team side of things, and i’m more into analytics. where do the attacks come from? what do the fingerprints exhibit? script kiddie or state-backed? what providers are being abused the most? that kind of stuff. i’ve gained access to a few different accounts and servers, albeit super easy shit. poorly configured AD perms, dumb kids who login when asked regardless of the URL, stuff like that.

i guess something to note before i head off here – not feeling any previous physical issues, aside from a pretty gnarly headache today and a high heartrate – 80-100 BPM when my usual idle is like 55-70. ive apparently had times where it gets so low that my watch thinks im fucking dying. been told that’s not good, but it just do be like that sometimes. usually when im asleep though. i guess we’ll see what happens in the coming days…