20250316

this one will remain decrypted for a bit

it seems that I have found many of my issues lie with my emotions towards Kaizen. that all these kinks and wants, wanting to screw all these guys, wanting to go to bathhouses, wanting to be used and abused, is coming mostly from my feelings. that in which I fear I will see Kaizen in the same setting. with my luck, the stars will align, I’ll just so happen to see Kaizen in the middle of a group or at a bathhouse, and I’ll be clutching REDACTED for the rest of the night.

but something brought this to my attention, something I saw that had me thinking. that the casual sex that happens majority of times these days is a possible result of fear. fear of seeing your partner or previous lover cheating on you. and to prevent that pain and harm, regardless of if they would actually ever do it, some people end up doing it first…which I fall right near there. the end of Kaizen and I had me worried and I still hold onto our relationship as if there’s even anything there. I don’t know that I’ve ever learned how to let go in relationships like this.

even now it happens with fucking deerboi. I want to say I’m over it with my ex gf, but unfortunately I’ve said that before about other items to only find out I’m so used to going through all the bad possibilities in my head that it only hurts when it came to be real. more and more it drives me away from wanting to be close to anyone. I can’t handle myself, I can’t let go of things and people, I can’t seem to find a method to fix myself, and I don’t want to tear anyone else down with me

The fears get worse too and I think this is how they become kinks. I had a dream a couple of days ago that I was in those bathhouses again. except I happen to find Kaizen in there with me. both of us in separate gloryhole stalls, taking random dudes. watching him go at it with passion for people he never knew. that ruined my entire fucking day that morning and I couldn’t come to terms with it until about today. much of the dream became a blur, but that much I recall. even thinking about it now I want it to stop.

Now, I’m left with even more problems. The wonderful government mandated theft of my income appears to have some miscalculations. or moreso my job has fucked up their reporting. I’ll be owing about 1-2k this year. on top of I’m being fucked over by debt collectors for something I paid off. so I get to also deal with those retards.

and now my job is getting even worse, having to fucking babysit 5 different people who are older then me in a dying industry. I’m not sure how much further I’m gonna be able to make it, I’m trying to push on but it feels like I have no energy for things at all anymore. I can feel my chest a lot of days either tighter or I begin to get pain. I barely want to play games, I can’t think half the time trying to do hobby shit, I don’t feel happy at all anymore, and it feels as though I’m inching closer to losing it all. my job, my household, my equipment, everything I have gone in the blink of an eye…

all because of me being broken. because of poor choices. because of others greed.

I’ve been asked a few times as well why don’t I take a day off. I’d love to. I’d love to fucking run from this job. But I can’t. I’ve been here almost 4 years and I’ve taken a single day off. That I believe was the day that I stopped talking to Kaizen. With how much I unfortunately know internally regarding our company and the fact no one else wants to fucking learn, any issues that come up or people need help with they will come to me. and if I’m not there it’s a problem. I don’t mind it if it wasn’t people breathing down my neck all the time or they would take the time to learn how to do shit and do it correctly.

we have so many fucking issues with work and management that I don’t know where to begin. and while I’m honestly proud to take on what I know and try to assert and force myself as leader to actually push our team to do better – the ship is already sinking and there’s nothing much more to be done. I need to at least let this go and take the first opportunity to board a more stable team or make my own.

if it continues and I do get that opportunity, well then my revenge of sorts will be there. although I’m probably easily replaceable so I guess we will see what happens when I cross that bridge.

but holy shit if I don’t want to end it all each day…