missing components & happiness

off and on, off and on, off and on…

i can’t decide what to do anymore. this is my only outlet i can allow myself to use. i can’t get close to anyone again. i cant let others down again. i have to succeed. i have to push harder and harder. it does not matter how i feel or what i think, only that i can use what’s in my power and abilities to help push others to succeed where i fell

ive failed far too many people. i have disappointed those close to me. i have fallen too far from my origins, resulting in me being the current way i am. full of problems, holding onto those who’ve long since forgotten about me, continued nightmares and reminders of how i have failed, and even now a career that i dont know if it will last. i push each and every day to try and get closer to being independent. i do what i can to keep together part of the team i manage. and yet, my superiors rip it even further apart, being passive aggressive and keeping pay from now me and my team.

i cannot stand by and just let this happen – but i also do not have anywhere else to go. i have to forge my own future and my own path. im tired of living in this world where i have to suck up to some dipshit who doesn’t know better or i have to deal with minimal pay to get by. i cant do that. i also dont want to go to some college or university to waste even more of my time. we as humans are only here for a certain period, I dont need to hear about why george floyd was in the right when im taking a fucking compsci degree.

every fucking day and night, im reminded of the memories. the things i still hold onto for reasons unbeknownst to me. they are not good memories, i cant use them as fuel to get my ass in gear anymore. yet, they lurk and continue to randomly come up. to be reminded of how Kaizen needed to show his body off to everyone like a fucking hooker when he’s in a relationship with me. which further divulged into my now schitzo ass thinking he’s just like everyone else. have i confirmed it? no. have i seen it? no. but every day and every night. i fear for the day that i end up coming across something that tells me he’s like the rest of the queers out there. a fucking whore, with a body count higher then 9/11.

and another problem – i have the audacity to pull this shit. to think that i have the power and the say to judge him. fucking look at me! i dont care how many times Shark has told me that i was bad back then and im better now – it doesnt mean im good because i havent done it. it doesnt mean i am good because i suddenly stopped. and thats where the problem lies. i cant take back anything ive done. i cant undo the sins and atrocities ive committed. which is why i push everyone away. they cant see me like this. they need someone to help lead them. i see it all too often and while im no God or something to save everyone – i do believe i have the ability to at least help push folks in the right direction. give them a job they wont hate. make things better for those around me. at least before i fall for the last sleep of my life.

i think at this point – this ridiculous site I made when I was still speaking with deerboi – is going to need to be a requirement. something to continue to help me not go insane. im going to start analyzing my previous notes and documents. maybe i can find the key to actually fixing myself. that and…with the religion stuff leaking more into my life, im not sure if I am supposed to do this, but im going to just start writing down my prayers. ive been horrible about it – but that and reading my Bible I think should be my next steps to help…although there’s one thing that continues to stay in my mind.

for everything i have done – i do not believe I deserve to be saved. but i can at least help others prevent making my mistakes as well as guide them to better opportunities.

~~~

Dear Father, our Lord and Savior in Heaven,
I understand that the sins I have committed are not good, both for myself and for those who it may have affected. I do not ask for mercy as I do not believe I deserve it – but I do ask that I am provided the guidance to save others, to help them. I am provided the foundation to lead others to a better life, to provide them with a job that can enhance their skills, that can improve their livelihood, and that can help inspire them to do better.

I wish for those who are in need to be saved, to be helped. I desire not to control them, not to be an almighty and powerful dictator, or to be a fraudulent Savior, but I desire to bring happiness and improvement to this world before I go. I wish to have that motivation and that drive to push my knowledge further, I wish to have the guidance and knowhow to ensure that this does not go to my head – and that I do not fall to sin, and most of all that my family is helped. That those who have harmed us and those surrounding for the sake of evil are brought to justice.

I wish for those that I have crossed paths with, that you help them in the best ways you see fit. Guide them into the light as they know not what they do. They are what I once was before I knew better – lost, broken, and misguided souls roaming this Earth. I ask that you show mercy and love as you’ve done to me. I ask that you bring Shark the opportunity to find a better roof over his head and a career he will love, Deerboi – the chance to redeem himself for the better – a good career and the motivation to do so, my close friends and brothers i shall not name – bring them a good life full of happiness. And finally – my family – they should know the relief of being set free from the corrupt Justice system. They should never see the wrath and disgusting acts of evil again.

And finally, before I end this night, please provide me the guidance to help in any way possible. To motivate myself to push to provide opportunities for others.

I thank you in this Saturday morning and uh, bless this household?

Maybe guide me on the proper methods of prayer as well…thank you.