promises made, promises kept, others left

You’re aware of your…dark fantasies…and what they truly are, don’t you?
I’m aware.

So you must know just what you continue to think about yet fight…and how you can fix it.
I fight it every day knowing it’s wrong. Knowing that it’s a virus that’s infected many others. A lie wrapped in a wonderful little dream. That it’ll all be okay if I submit.

That’s not exactly what I am talking about and you know it.
What is it then?

Your previous lovers…if you want to call them that. Sure, you don’t hold as strong of feelings – or used to with Deerboi as you did someone like Kaizen or Spidergirl. But all 4 of them have something in common. Something you dont express or exhibit towards those you used to call friends.
I all cared for them. I tried my best to do what I could, to get my ass out of bed, to express who I truly am, and to help guide them on a better path. A path that even before I knew was not good.

Sure. That’s why you have those thoughts you push out.
Which ones are you talking about.

Oh c’mon, you can’t run from them. Are we just going to ignore those fantasies you even had when you were with Kaizen? To share him? The thoughts of being in his place specifically? To think that somehow, someway, that would keep you two together if you let him just be a whore?
Those were nothing more. They were just sexual thoughts fueled by others telling me its normal.

They wern’t just that. They were your mind telling you what you didn’t want to hear. That it’s over and there’s not a damn thing you can do to save that relationship. That you can even do to save him. You’ve said it yourself, he’s far too gone. Yet, you can’t help but feel bad for him. You want to save him – to save everyone.
I want to save whoever I can from going over the edge. Far too many entranced in this thought that it’s okay to be a whore. It’s okay to share your body with tens, hundreds, thousands…

And yet, you speak as though you never did the same…
I’m aware of this too. I hate my past. I hate that of which I became for a short period.

Do you hate that? Or do you hate that you’ve become what you fear Kaizen has already been doing since your last message? After all – you knew just how prone he was to such…manipulation…
Kaizen couldn’t think for himself whatsoever. Why he never at least thought about what I had to say is beyond me, but he wasn’t for me and we didn’t work. That’s all it was.

Oh you know it’s much more then just that. You know you held onto him in those final months so hard that you even caved in to his depraved fantasies. All just to get him to the other side…or die trying. You never let go because you think there’s some chance in saving someone. Some chance in which you can help someone become better, even if it means surrendering everything about you.
What exactly do you want? I hear this same fucking thing every time. You constantly tell me this over and over every damn time I am done with those thoughts. I’m aware I need to be better. I need to always improve.

It’s not just that. It’s that you need to let go. Let go now of what you two were. Let go of Spidergirl and the 1 or so years you were with her. Let go of whaleTooth. Even Deerboi you seem to think you can save. Lets talk about him – how exactly do you expect to save him? Hm? After how long have you had him cut off? Have you thought of a plan Einstein? Or are you just going to become this angry old person that wont ever stop thinking about the past?
I’ve surrendered it all. Deerboi and any past thoughts. I’ve done what I could to remove those memories. Blank them out. Overwrite them. Whatever I can do to stop it all.

You try to remove the symptom. The sign telling you its a problem. Yet, you don’t remove the core issue at hand. You need to let go of whatever remains. You can’t save everyone and everything. This world is far too cruel, and to hang onto memories of people who now hate you and would rather see you dead will kill you. Then, you’ll have no one else you can save because your family will have to attend your fucking funeral. Or…whatever’s left of them.
How the fuck do I let go of that? Let go of all those memories and thoughts and emotions I had with these people? Time spent that I can’t get back. Effort into something that was going to fail anyways, no matter how hard I pushed.

Well, I leave you with this. How are you going to love and save all those people, all at the same time? Are you really going to just sit on it forever? Or do you want to at least live your life happy and do something bigger that could save more then just a handful of folks?