the whispers of the citadel

its 1AM here.

i’ve come to a realization…something dangerous, something missing for so long…something i fear is a result of being on the verge of critically failing.

i can choose to continue to take the path im going down. being alone, depressed, and stuck in jobs i will hate forever. that’s to say that…i last. that i don’t end up with a heart attack before 30 with the energy drinks and stress of babysitting people who can’t understand how to use a fucking machine. or i don’t end up dead fighting some faggot who ends up here because boo hoo he needs asylum from the threats he created.

thinking about an upcoming event soon…i hope it doesn’t end up being real…but the so magical reunion. reliving the years that were left a blur and rightfully so. what im more worried about is how those memories will react. i make those choices, but i don’t know if i will have the strength to keep myself in control. its one thing with the initial memories of her – i came to terms with that many moons ago. told myself the one i loved was long past, she was now only a shell of herself. someone far worst, one never to trust again. that one only took 5 years…

and then Kaizen. oh how i regret him so fucking much. i can continue to ramble. to complain, bitch, look back at us oh so full of despair and agony. its all i ever do. i waste my time thinking upon our days together, wondering what i did to deserve this. what i saw in that asshole. why is it that so many of my memories of us are purely just fucking?

and yet – i remember. i remember it was never us, always him. we did what he wanted. i always had to be the one to go the extra mile. whether it was the one taking the hits to just run out to see him only to get reemed later or how i always did whatever he wanted. i paid to see him, to make the travel. but yet, it was always my issue when i didnt even have enough money for the store, let alone a cross-state trip.

and yet, im the one left with the nightmares. replaying in my head over and over of him cheating on me or those nights i didnt think i could live without him. after all – he was the one i lost it to. he was my first pretty real relationship.

in the end of all of this, after so many years of having this all stuck in my head, i cant understand why. why did it end this way. why did he want nothing to do with me. why did he never care? they are all questions that i may never see the answer to. but i cannot focus on those. i cannot waste my time sitting here thinking about him when i decide to have some disgusting fling. i cannot continue to try and patch this vulnerability of fearing he’s in a bathhouse by doing it before i hear he did so.

i was never this way before. i was faithful. if i wasnt in a relationship, i wanted nothing to do with anyone. i wanted to learn who someone is and build that relationship on an emotional and intellectual level before i even considered the physical level. i fear that Kaizen was the one who broke that – through the act of our first night. the act and desire for lust, as being teens that’s all we wanted…but i cannot continue to be in fear. i cannot continue to think on these memories, what to patch, what to avoid, if I will ever see him again.

i must move forward. whether or not i was a good partner, I cannot change the past. i can learn from it, move forward, and become better. i hate myself for everything i have become, for the inexcusable acts and atrocities i have committed, but am I still a man for sitting in the past? for never moving on from something and someone who has never cared about me? or is this a journey i have been on for far too long, where I need to learn and grow forward. i need to get back on the path rather then continue to run for loops.

its through research and knowledge ive gained over the past few months that both ive gone into a strange emergency shutdown, stopping any processing of my emotions. its caused issues for my memory and emotion, stretching my fuse short and my forgetfulness grows. all of it bottled up only for it to get worse at night. for my dreams to repeat over and over, voices exclaiming “I relied on you! How could you? What have you done?”. A reminder of the relationships – both friends and partners – that I have burned, tarnished, and forever changed through my acts.

yet, something has altered everything. how i think. my attractions. my thought process. it’s as if some sort of backup from many moons ago has restored. it’s not like before…its better. productive. faster. i’m beginning to have some sort of feeling again. its faint, but it’s come with the previous memories and thoughts. where i was inspired. what i had been thinking when it occurred. the sources of much of my creativity. i have parts of my motivation…

…and my desire for love. its not lust. its not just another quick fuck. the adult content and the previous memories incite less and less excitement. they bring disgust, sorrow, regret. they drive home not the want – but the need to never do it again. it brings growth to my disgust and thoughts against those who are about same-sex relationships. how 99% of these people bring majority of the HIV problems, sexual misconduct against children, and how it’s so normal to have a partner count in the hundreds to thousands. and to think that these “people” are prideful of such…

but there’s an even smaller amount of people who aren’t like that. who are amazing partners, inspiring others to be the same. they bring joy and happiness to an otherwise grey life. who, despite all the problems of the past of their partner – accepted them and wished to help. someone that you know you don’t deserve, that you don’t want to have in fear of ruining them and making them worse…but somehow they still insist. they wish to be by your side through it all regardless…it’s a very rare occurrence. i’d probably be more likely to be hit by a car driven by a shark off the coast of Florida most likely…

im going to continue to monitor myself, ensure that this isn’t a one off situation. and even if it is, i need to find whatever i can to ensure this drive continues. the inspiration and power grows so i can not only save myself, but help to save others. if there’s anything ive learned from the Kaizen problem…

..it’s to be better. be stable, not off and on…

so i must take the other choice – put what has happened in the past. come to terms with it, forget it, and move on. I know I am better then Kaizen. but i can’t be if I continue to live in the past, unable to help those who are relying on me. i cannot be like him, unfaithful, egotistical, and with no decency. i need to keep to myself and at least make an effort to be ready for a partner. a single partner, not many. poly relationships are a fucking joke, i know that much at least…

i do hope that it isn’t too late, if i can confirm this will all stay with me and not be unstable…