20250318

wanted to just do a quick update here, it seems something is getting worse physically.

first, work continues to get worse and im worried i wont find an out. with that, im going to have to fork over 900$, and get some other retards off my ass, things will be stretched thin. i need to keep my cool though or i may end up in even worse condition. our management is an absolute clownfest and i need to push and see to it that i can make funds elsewhere to ensure that im ready to jump ship before my body performs an unscheduled maintenance day. fingers crossed that doesn’t happen.

second, in some conditions, i have yet to have them narrowed down, but im getting a bad feeling in the center of my chest area. the last one was a bit to the right and up, like on the edge of my boob a bit. lasted for a couple of minutes and im hoping its just related to breathing and me not exercising for a bit. i simply jogged for a little to try and get my heart rate up because i need to stay healthy to ensure i can fight off these thundercunts, but it is concerning as this hasnt happened this bad before. sure, i’ve had a few times ive had chest pain, but this was like someone laying a metal bar into my ribcage a bit.

third, random moments where i taste metal. still not sure what, when, where, why.

fourth, things have gotten terrible for myself. i know what ive done in the past is wrong. i know that i do deserve punishment for the atrocities ive committed. but, something continues to call to me. to guide me to a better path. while i cannot take back what i did in the past, i can at least look to the future and improve. wherever i got this from, im not sure and dont remember. just kinda had it in my nightstand…but i’ve began reading the Bible. new testament, not sure what “type” as i just explained to someone else the other night, many religious folk divide themselves into weird fucking factions. christian, catholic, this and that, depends what you read, what you do, etc.

personally, i didnt care for religion for many years. growing up with a cunt of a step mother, i just said fuck it im an atheist. as i progress through life as an adult, there’s just some things that line up too well. i’ve always chalked it up to there’s something we dont know yet about humans and how we “network” together. it seems insane to even say, but i wouldnt be surprised if we find out that certain things we do affect others that dont see it, dont hear it, anything. telepathy of sorts. not to mention the butterfly effect and how the smallest things can make the biggest ripples in life. there’s a lot to it.

regardless though, depending or not on how i see it in the future, i think its at least good to pick up and read a bit each night. worst case, i have something to learn. i dont see a bad thing to it.

i do truly hope though that i can make it out of this fuckin mud pit of life alive, with no heart attacks, no serious problems, and no one else dead or harmed…