undefined state

i have felt maybe 3 minutes of relief today. the rest is either absolutely goddamn nothing or its pain.

im overthinking so much fucking shit. there’s so much going on in my head i cant stay on one thing. sure, i was still working and doing things today, but i’d be working on the server rack, realize or need to do something else, and then go do that and just completely forget what i was doing. not like “oh shit I should get back to that” but more as if i was never doing it in the first place.

am i doing this? or am i being attention seeking? is this for a reason? am i protecting myself from something that’s happened previously? am i playing things too much out in my head? why hasnt this happened? why does that person seem off with how they talk to me? am i doing something different then how i should be? why am i walking weird? there hasn’t been a job im forgetting about right? fuck, is there something critical im missing? am i gonna get fired? is there something i typed wrong that’s going to get me in trouble? did I talk to someone in the wrong way? was there another word i could of used instead to not seem like an asshole? do i seem like an asshole? is there something about how i speak im not realizing? why is everything so quiet? why is work so calm today? why hasnt X sent me a message? did i say something wrong?

those. those are all questions i’ve had running through my mind today. most of them repeating. either its due to the lack of food i’ve had today or its due to only one energy drink, but i actually feel physically tired and its only 2350. its not like “yeah im ready for bed” either, its like when you’re a kid watching a movie on the carpet floor trying to stay awake.

goddamn it im thinking about him again.

why am i thinking about deerboi? why do i care so much for him? why do i care about him? why did i piss him off? why do i end up doing that with everyone i talk to? why can’t i just calm the fuck down today? its clear i wont be having a meaningful relationship with how i choose to behave. why continue? why talk to anyone for that matter? why not just get castrated, find out what to do to disable the rest of my emotions, and continue living simply as a workhorse? it’s clearly the only path i can take. i cant actually hold a friendship with most people, i cant find someone cute to date without immediately thinking about jumping in their pants, i mean shit its what happened with Kaizen! it’s clear im the problem.

we fucking met. he sat in my lap, right on my dick. and i made the choice of starting the night like that. i made the choice of making a two year relationship that was off and on. i didnt put enough in. i was too scared, i was a fucking pussy. i couldnt keep myself together then and i cant even fucking keep it together now.

look at me. i’ve gone almost no where. sure, i have a job within a technical field that i love. but do i have a degree? no. do i even have my HS degree thing? no. i never got that problem sorted. i couldn’t even keep my shit together in math, i was always falling asleep because i didnt eat breakfast. ever. and i still dont. i couldnt keep my shit up in Russian i had to get fucking brownie points just to keep my grade at a D. i cant do a goddamned thing.

i cant stay afloat, i cant keep myself together, i cant stop obsessing over anyone who shows me the slightest bit of attention, i cant do a goddamned fucking thing. and yet, I think i deserve so much more right? i’m supposed to be some big founder/CEO at the top floor of a building, making people’s dreams come true for the better? as if that hasnt happened already. such an original thought. become the new SaaS company, some cookie cutter bullshit, make money, then lose yourself with it all.

not to mention my fear about how i need to find someone before any sort of traction starts with the company. because im so fearful of what happened to my father or others i know of. being successful only for someone to “””fall in love with you””” and rip everything away from you. sure, i can get it back. i can probably get the house back should that ever happen. but can i get that time back? can i get any of the feeling back or the memories or that closeness? no.

it happened with Kaizen and i’d call that a close enough call…he wasnt enough of a dick to really take anything or be like that, but it certainly fucking hurts to know those two years were a fucking waste. he didnt love me, i couldnt get my shit together, and we made such a wonderful public facing couple while we had so many goddamned underlying issues.

i cant fucking think at all right now. i cant hold onto one goddamned rail on the hundreds of trains of thought through my head. one’s just me asking why over and over, another tells me to just jump through the fucking wall and maybe i’ll break my neck or jump out the window, another’s telling me every bit of fucking pain i’ve felt and im currently feeling is my problem and well-deserved.

i cant keep it in my pants. i mean shit i’ve fucked a few guys, Kaizen not included, to have to tell myself that yes i dont like that. all because i wanted to get railed. then when it came down to it all i could think about was swallowing a fucking 12 gauge. then theres the little issue i still have a problem talking about…because surprise, im still fucking doing it! its been such a problem for a long time but i just need to feel closeness with someone…even if its fake. even if its for a short period. god am i such a fucking lonely piece of shit.

but yet, i go out there. i go out to the world. do i pick some random bozo off the street to hit on? no. i still think i need to have standards, even after all that i’ve done. i still want someone who’s a lot “higher” then me, persay. am i gonna get it? abso-fucking-lutely not!

i’ve never been someone who’s ever liked the mere thought of drugs or alcohol. coming from a mother who did some of that on a constant basis or watched people throw their lives away doing that, it fascinates me more that some choose to do that. whether its crack, heroin, or that you smoke so much pot you make it your personality to do nothing more. but deerboi made me think twice about that. originally because i was curious and probably horny. i wanted to try pot with him.

now, i think i’ll consider drinking myself to sleep. maybe. maybe if im not a pussy. it probably wouldn’t take much, its only a matter of time with how fast things move before I see Kaizen happy with someone else and it re-ignites that fire in me that just ripped me apart figuratively. watching someone you love, someone you trusted, and someone you cared for, want nothing more to do with you to move right on to the next person and get railed by them. i dont know what it is with my focus and sex. i fucking hate that too. and im probably gonna have this goddamned same issue with deerboi.

i told myself last night i should at least prepare for the worst, it was rearing its head and i know history would probably repeat itself. it was all too good to be true to find someone as amazing as deerboi and have him be interested in me. i just didnt know what to do or that it could be coming this quick.

fucking hell, all of this overthinking about him over some tweet. real fucking amazing.

there are some days i wish i had all the money in the world. not for power, not for love, not for some luxury short-term bullshit. but because it would be a whole hell of a lot easier to simply disappear. off grid, self sustained property. no one to talk to, no ones life but my own to fuck up, and no one would ever need to hear from me again.

but im at where im at now and i cant do anything at the moment. i just…have to fucking keep existing. existing with these hundreds of fucking questions racing through my head i want answers to but cant get. questions that all stemmed from the most simple parts of bullshit.

i really think i should of just been thrown in the mental ward when i was asked. my father knew what was coming, he knew what was best for me. but i think thats a mistake on my end…not listening. i never do. and i should of just ended right there. put right into that ward, drugged up through the roof, and put back outside in public to continue doing my job day in and day out, nothing different, nothing more, and nothing less. just a simple organic drone.

it’s all i was deemed for. a simple organic drone. no love, no interests, no passion, just complete your duty and go home.

im actually beginning to shiver and shake a little and i dont know if thats what im doing to myself or if im just cold and dont realize it. that has happened a bit tonight as well…